Monday, April 14, 2008

Preggers, eh?

So it seems that Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz are expecting their first child together. The couple announced their engagement last week, and announced today that she's preggers.

Shotgun wedding much? Given that Ashlee's father is a former minister (with a decided predilection for channeling Sonny Crockett, complete with ill-fitting white linen suits and Hialeah-friendly t-shirts), one has to wonder what his thoughts are on the whole child-out-of-wedlock issue. Then again, this is the man who in all of his Svengali-like glory brought us "Blonde Ambition" and openly discussed his fondness for his older daughter's breasts.

Given that Pete Wentz wears tighter jeans and more makeup than most women I've encountered, chances are good that his spawn will emerge from the womb with flat-ironed hair and ironically-placed eyeliner.

There's no word yet as to whether or not they'll consider plastic surgery (ala Ashlee) if Baby Simpson-Wentz is born with an "ugly" nose or a "weird" chin. Youthful hair dye, however, is a strong probability. We can also presume a catastrophic lack of musical talent and overinflated ego, which is a common trait amongst Simpsons (see Jessica in the aforementioned "Blonde Ambition"). Then again, BSW might possess Mom's unique talent of doing a jig while lipsynching. When in doubt, BSW can always go to rehab, pen a bestselling memoir about growing up emo, and champion tuna as the real Chicken of the Sea.

(Oooh, a multitasker!)

Moreover, Ash and Pete fans - BSW will probably be oh so cutely tiny.

And we had to know: What are they like as a couple? "They are the cutest, they are tiny. They are gonna have tiny little kids, and I just think they are adorable."
Um...yeah.

I wonder - will they register for tiny onesies with skulls on them? Diapers made of tight, tight denim? A flurry of t-shirts from Hot Topic? Or perhaps they'll invent the very first Graco flat-iron for infants?

Just don't expect Mariah Carey to send a gift, mmmkay?

UPDATE: Pete Wentz is claiming we're all on a baby "witchhunt." So, um, maybe she's not pregnant. But I reserve my snark for the inevitable day upon which these two emoish poseurs spawn a Boy George doppelganger in really, really tight girl jeans. With the complete muffin top and flat ass effect. And the oh-so-ironic studded belt. And a Strawberry Shortcake t-shirt (heeeeeeeeey, look, I'm referencing 80's cartoons - how cool am I?). And checkered Vans.