Oh, Britney...

Girl, you done lost your mind.

On a serious note, those poor children. This is like a white trash revival of "Mommy Dearest" and those kids are going to need a LOT of counseling and love.

Oh, that wacky Spears family.

Yep, you guessed it. The inevitable finally happened - the last hope of sanity for the Spears family has dissipated.

Jamie Lynn Spears is pregnant. At 16. By her live-in boyfriend.

I realize I sound judgmental, but she's 16. And her sister is already bat-crap crazy. So why on earth wouldn't you lock up your younger cash cow...I mean, daughter...with a chastity belt or in a convent until she's 30? Or at least until her Nickelodeon contract ends?

Lynne Spears, you saucy minx.

And by saucy minx, I mean, mother-who-thinks-she's-her-daughter's-friend-and-not-her-actual-parent.

I found this most amusing of all - yesterday, the Canadian Press published an interview about Jamie Lynn Spears' hit 'tween show, "Zoey 101," in which she coyly mentions that she's not seriously dating anyone.

Oy.

She's more open about her own situation, saying she has no serious boyfriend.

"I kind of just keep my options open," she says. "I have a bunch of friends that I always hang out with, a bunch of guy friends."

Suuuuuure you do, sweetie. Trailer park fights, domestic abuse calls to 911 and arrests for meth and oxycontin sales (hillbilly heroin, dontcha know?) can't be far behind.

P.S. Lily Allen is also preggers, by her boyfriend of 3 months, the Chemical Brothers' Ed Simon.

And the Disney invasion continues.

That's right - Hannah Montana (nee Miley Cyrus, daughter of Infamous Camaro Mullet model Billy Ray Cyrus) will be performing in New Orleans, hideous blonde wig and all.

(Is it me, or does Billy Ray spend more time flat-ironing his coiffure than the average woman would?)

All snark aside, she seems to be a very grounded young lady, and a great role model...more so than, say, good ol' Brit-Brit.

Funniest thing I have read about Britney Spears in ages...

Oh yes, Mollygood goes there.

::snickering::

Hmmm...

So here's a question...

How does a fairly normal, average couple go from:

to the white trash exes from hell?

It's simple, really. We did so through careful application of Walmart. And Cheetos. And of course, the Champagne of Beers - Miller High Life.

Notably, we discovered the Ghosts of Federspears Past last night.

My only regret about last night is that pictures of Britney Spears' own trashtastic Halloween costume have surfaced, and they're so incredibly hideous, they lay my own goofy pictures to shame.

Sigh.

Here are a few more pics of the evening - I hope you enjoy!

Halloween in New Orleans is incredible. Even better, the Hornets won their home opener against the Kings last night. GEAUX HORNETS!

Caption This

Seriously - my mother already has!

In fact, here's what she had to say:

"I didn't think my daughter could look trashy like Brit and I really wondered about Dave's pulling off K.Fed ~ but here's to both of you! CHEERS! You make a super duo of the two 'duds' or is it 'duhs'? As your Dad would say. 'Sierra Hotel!'"

The Trifecta!

In honor of LSU-Bama week, here's a fark of Nick Saban trying to explain his loss to FSU in the context of the general 2007 meltdown of Britney Spears.

Like I said, it's a trifecta.

Sadly, it's only kinda funny. And that's stretching it a bit.

A sudden case of schadenfreude...

I'm not sure it's appropriate for me to find such humor in the fact that a 25 year-old mother of two has to be told to childproof her pool area by court order, but there you have it.

No one other than Britney Spears could make make Kevin Federline look almost angelic. It's just spectacular.

http://www.tmz.com/2007/10/30/brit-to-kids-ill-see-you-occasionally/

(And it has ramifications for our Halloween costumes, y'all.)

Here's a question...

Should I go as blonde or brunette Weavetastic Britney for Halloween?

Oh, Britney...part IV

I mean, really. It took THIS long for her actions to come back to haunt her.

http://music.msn.com/music/article.aspx?news=277813&GT1=7702

Gimme, gimme more...

And now for a little levity - is it sad that I think this man looks better than Britney Spears did at the VMA's?

Goodness gracious...!

Wow. Just...wow.

"Leave Britney aloooooooooooooooooone!"

Really, there are no words.

Britney Spears v. Sarah Silverman

X17 Online is now alleging that Britney Spears' performance at last night's VMA's was stilted and uninspired because she supposedly overheard Sarah Silverman rehearsing her monologue before the show. Far be it from me to insert logic into this great debate of gigantic political proportions, but:

-Britney Spears CHOSE this event as a method of staging a comeback. This was a tremendous opportunity for her.
-Instead of rehearsing, she chose to party in Vegas.
-She HAS been performing - remember her little House of Blues tour earlier this year?-Spears also publicly fired much of the staff/team surrounding her over the past year. She's been acting as her own stylist, publicist, etc.
-She chose to sign with manager Jeff Kwatinetz, who publicly guided Kelly Clarkson's career into a terrible minefield earlier this year.
-She reportedly called her children "mistakes" in front of several former nannies - Silverman was just referencing Spears' own foibles.

Was what Sarah Silverman said incredibly harsh and discomfiting? Absolutely. Was any of it so far off base as to engender this much ranting from Britney apologists? Nope.

I suppose the real question is - at what point is it time for Britney Spears to stop blaming everyone around her, and take responsibility for her own actions?

Personal accountability is a bitch, y'all.

Oh, Britney...

If you DIDN'T see this last night (which is understandable, as the Giants and Cowboys were engaged in mortal offensive combat), watch it NOW:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ihH6TpxPcRI

I don’t know where to begin…was it the ratty Chatty Cathy weave? The blue contacts? The Buddha belly enhanced by a too-small bra and too-tight boy shorts? Was it that you were hopped up on ludes and resembled a badly used, overweight stripper at Bada Bing?

Oh Britney…

Is there any way to save this woman from herself? Sarah Silverman provided the harshest - but probably the most fitting - commentary on the evening. From US Magazine:

Immediately following Spears’ glittery opening performance, Silverman poked fun at the singer’s early rise to fame. “Was that incredible?" she asked the crowd. "She is amazing. I mean, she is 25 years old and she’s already accomplished everything she’s going to accomplish in her life.”

She continued: “It’s weird to think that just a few years ago on this very show, she was this, like, sweet innocent little girl in slutty clothes writhing around with a python. That’s not nice…calling Madonna a python.”

Even Spears’ sons, Jayden and Sean, who turn 1 and 2 next week, respectively, were fare game.

“Have you seen Britney’s kids? Oh my god, they are the most adorable mistakes you will ever see!” Silverman trilled. “They are as cute as the hairless vagina they came out of.”

Oh, Britney, Britney, Britney: An Intervention

Shannon Funk has such an unfortunate - yet appropriate name. She was recently fired as Brit-Brit's assistant/best friend du jour/"cousin."

http://lifeandstylemag.hollywood.com/2007/07/britney_fires_her_assistant.php

So girlfriend ran to "OK!" magazine (can you really take seriously any periodical ending in an excited mark of punctuation?) and ratted out Britney Spears as a crazy occasional lesbian.

But like J. Harvey on A Socialite's Life (http://www.socialitelife.com/), I have to agree that this smacks more of a teenaged girl looking to get attention and manipulate people around her. Britney Spears seems to be experiencing some kind of delayed adolescence, and it's alternately pathetic, horrifying and hilarious to observe from afar.

http://socialitelife.com/2007/08/15/britneys_former_assistant_outs_her.php

I know it's judgmental of me, but when you're 25 and the mother of two young children, there are some finite, basic rules you absolutely must observe. Here are some examples:

1. Wear panties at all times. No one wants to see if you shave, wax, or subscribe to something a bit more au naturel. Also, random stripping in public is just gauche...unless you are the stunning Dita Von Teese.

2. If you've had two children and/or your thighs are the relative size of tree trunks, please consider wearing longer, more modest dresses and skirts. I'm 28, and while I don't have kids, I have no interest in the viewing public catching a glance at my butt, my vajayjay or my cervix. It's just classless, graceless and a perfect example of attention whoredom. Act your age, and dress it, too.

3. Weave and extensions are a privilege, not a right. Once your scalp begins to resemble the top of a Cabbage Patch doll's head after being ravaged by a tantrum-throwing little girl, you need to stop.

4. Don't dye your hair yourself if you're a millionaire. You'll just end up looking like a very scary caricature of Morticia Addams. You can hire people to do that for you, ya know?

5. Stop hitting up Vegas every other weekend. Winston's and Le Deux in L.A. can likewise do without you for a night. Otherwise the kids are going to start calling their nannies "Mommy."

6. Stop tying your shirt at your midriff, caking on unflattering lipstick, wearing unfortunate sunglasses, and dear God, please, please stop wearing enough foundation to create a spackle-like effect. And those boots of yours, while an element I hope to incorporate into my Halloween costume, are hideous. Bottom line: hire a stylist, and make sure you hire one who doesn't idolize Fergie or Lisa Frank.

7. Keep your legs together when exiting a car. Likewise, don't bend sideways or backwards over the front seat so that the paparazzi can see the color of your thong...if you're wearing one, that is.

8. Keep your family laundry just that - dirty and private (like your panties). Calling the paparazzi so that they can tape you blindsiding your mother with a rude, bitchy, quasi-legal letter is shameful. Learn some manners, woman. Speaking of family, I've lost count of how many "cousins" you've hired. Alli Sims was supposedly a cousin, too, right? Buying your friends is akin to pledging a sorority you can ill-afford.

9. If your much vilified ex-husband seems like the more responsible parents, there is something totally wrong with your approach to parenthood. I'm just sayin'.

10. Lay off the tanning bed. You're beginning to look like Magda in "There's Something About Mary." If at 28 I look 10 years younger than you, you're doing something wrong.

What one piece of advice would you give Britney?

Man, I hope she sues. Sheesh.

This is a new low for Perez Hilton...it's strange that he vilifies celebrities for hypocrisy yet is hoisted on his own sanctimonious petard.

http://perezhilton.com/?p=3516

Britney Spears, my favorite celebrity target, might be a willful child masquerading as a single mother, but her cousin hasn't sought out that same notoriety or fame. It's shameful and smacks of singular douchebaggery. It's bad enough that this young woman lost her mother recently, and it's also rough to watch someone you care about unravel their own life...but this is ridiculous. Way to pile on, Perez.

I'm almost unsure as to which is worse - harrassment of a private citizen just because she's Britney Spears' first cousin, or the cultural idiocy of commenters on that particular entry.

For the record, I've spent nearly all my life living below the Mason-Dixon line. I have never dated (much less anything else) a cousin, I don't chew tobacco, and I don't have any children. I say "y'all" and adore sweet tea, fried green tomatoes and boiled crawfish. I wear flip-flops in the winter, and own a collection of sundresses rivaled only by M.'s astonishingly large collection of Ann Taylor clothing. I obsess over college football and think Drew Brees exemplifies everything last year's Saints' marketing slogan represents (erm..."Be a Saint). I also think he's adorably cute. I generally type and speak with proper grammar when I'm formally addressing someone. I send thank-you notes and always bring hostess (or host) gifts when invited to someone's house. I usually love hot weather. I don't generally have a southern accent unless I'm a) really, really, really tired, or b) angrier than Lindsay Lohan after a coke binge.

Trash is trash - southerners do not corner the market on poor grammar and ignorance. Britney Spears is a poor representation of southern women, and certainly doesn't represent the vast majority of us.

GAH.

(Sorry, it's so hot here in New Orleans today that I'm sweating like Britney Spears before a custody hearing...and I really dislike regional and cultural stereotypes. Ad hominem attacks are a poor device employed by ignorant, anonymous internet bullies incapable of making an original point.)

Speaking of bullies...I found this article from the LSU student newspaper about how hesitant Laura Lynne Covington is to speak about her cousin, and how adamant she is about protecting her own private life. I hope she uses that very intelligent brain of hers to layeth the smack down on Mario Lavandeira (nee Perez Hilton) with the vengeance of an irate southern woman (that's about as close to stereotyping said group as I get).

http://talk.livedaily.com/archive/index.php/t-387980.html

Trust me...you wouldn't like us when we're upset, bless your heart.