Tuesday, August 19, 2008

The Swimmer vs. The Mediocre Multi-Hyphenate

But so hilariously brilliant that I just spewed Diet Coke all over my desk.

From Yeeeah:

Jennifer Lopez wants you to know it’s about time you stopped watching the stupid Olympics and paid attention to her and her upcoming triathlon. Phelps who? It’s Jenny from the Block, dummies! According to MSNBC, Lopez, who appeared on “Good Morning America” Aug. 18 to discuss her preparations for the Malibu Triathlon, was overheard saying after the segment that she “couldn’t understand why everyone is talking about that swimmer,” according to a GMA source. “She couldn’t come up with (eight-time gold-medal winner Michael) Phelps’ name, and then she yammered on about how she was the one training for a triathlon just six months after giving birth, and how that was the big story right now, not ‘the swimmer.’”

Okay, let’s see. Some facts:
1. If you look into the eye of a hurricane you will see Michael
Phelps swimming.
2. Newton’s First Law is wrong: Even if an external force is applied to Michael Phelps he will remain in the Michael Phelps state of motion.
3. Water drinks Michael Phelps.
4. Every time you see a shooting star you are really watching Michael Phelps train in space.
5. Aquaman wears Michael Phelps underwear.
6. Newborn dolphins learn to swim by watching footage of Michael Phelps.
7. Michael Phelps doesn’t swim through water, water gets out of his way.

And now, for some Jennifer Lopez facts:
1. Jennifer Lopez can eat her weight in gouda.
2. Jennifer Lopez once crushed a
folding chair with her ass.
3. Jennifer Lopez can fart Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star.
4. Jennifer Lopez comes with
saddlebags and paunch attachments.

The only way Jennifer Lopez will ever beat Michael Phelps at anything is if it involves eating her way through a swimming pool full of bacon, Fanta, and Christmas hams. And to the best of my knowledge, that kind of pool only exists in Britney Spears’ imagination. Advantage: Michael Phelps.

I'm thinking, hey, Phelps (and his stunning abs) has eight gold medals. Lopez has what, eight ex-husbands?

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