Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Oh, Britney, Britney, Britney: An Intervention

Shannon Funk has such an unfortunate - yet appropriate name. She was recently fired as Brit-Brit's assistant/best friend du jour/"cousin."

So girlfriend ran to "OK!" magazine (can you really take seriously any periodical ending in an excited mark of punctuation?) and ratted out Britney Spears as a crazy occasional lesbian.

But like J. Harvey on A Socialite's Life (, I have to agree that this smacks more of a teenaged girl looking to get attention and manipulate people around her. Britney Spears seems to be experiencing some kind of delayed adolescence, and it's alternately pathetic, horrifying and hilarious to observe from afar.

I know it's judgmental of me, but when you're 25 and the mother of two young children, there are some finite, basic rules you absolutely must observe. Here are some examples:

1. Wear panties at all times. No one wants to see if you shave, wax, or subscribe to something a bit more au naturel. Also, random stripping in public is just gauche...unless you are the stunning Dita Von Teese.

2. If you've had two children and/or your thighs are the relative size of tree trunks, please consider wearing longer, more modest dresses and skirts. I'm 28, and while I don't have kids, I have no interest in the viewing public catching a glance at my butt, my vajayjay or my cervix. It's just classless, graceless and a perfect example of attention whoredom. Act your age, and dress it, too.

3. Weave and extensions are a privilege, not a right. Once your scalp begins to resemble the top of a Cabbage Patch doll's head after being ravaged by a tantrum-throwing little girl, you need to stop.

4. Don't dye your hair yourself if you're a millionaire. You'll just end up looking like a very scary caricature of Morticia Addams. You can hire people to do that for you, ya know?

5. Stop hitting up Vegas every other weekend. Winston's and Le Deux in L.A. can likewise do without you for a night. Otherwise the kids are going to start calling their nannies "Mommy."

6. Stop tying your shirt at your midriff, caking on unflattering lipstick, wearing unfortunate sunglasses, and dear God, please, please stop wearing enough foundation to create a spackle-like effect. And those boots of yours, while an element I hope to incorporate into my Halloween costume, are hideous. Bottom line: hire a stylist, and make sure you hire one who doesn't idolize Fergie or Lisa Frank.

7. Keep your legs together when exiting a car. Likewise, don't bend sideways or backwards over the front seat so that the paparazzi can see the color of your thong...if you're wearing one, that is.

8. Keep your family laundry just that - dirty and private (like your panties). Calling the paparazzi so that they can tape you blindsiding your mother with a rude, bitchy, quasi-legal letter is shameful. Learn some manners, woman. Speaking of family, I've lost count of how many "cousins" you've hired. Alli Sims was supposedly a cousin, too, right? Buying your friends is akin to pledging a sorority you can ill-afford.

9. If your much vilified ex-husband seems like the more responsible parents, there is something totally wrong with your approach to parenthood. I'm just sayin'.

10. Lay off the tanning bed. You're beginning to look like Magda in "There's Something About Mary." If at 28 I look 10 years younger than you, you're doing something wrong.

What one piece of advice would you give Britney?


April Elizabeth said...

Dear Britney,

Please bath.

everyone else's olfactory glands

Sarcasm Abounds said...

I would say that any celebrity can rise from the ashes of a destroyed career, everyone likes an underdog.

But Brit needs to stay out of the limelight for a few years, maybe move to Chile or New Zealand or somewhere, raise her children not to be perfect monsters. Then, and only then, she should burst upon the scene with a new album.

Then, do a bit part for the man known for bringing stars back from the dead in his films: Tarantino. If she can act at all, it will be a big hit.

All will be forgiven.

Anonymous said...

Dear Brit,

Please wear a bra. Yes, all the time.

evil twin

Anonymous said...

I think you are more obsessed with Britney Spears than I was when I was in love with her!

Although I'm sure you don't have Britney posters on your walls.

C. (I still have her old videos and pictures of her hot days.) Lavie